This was our meditation yesterday:

A person will worship something,

have no doubt about that.

We may think our tribute is paid in secret

in the dark recesses of our hearts,

but it will out.

That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts

will determine our lives, and our character.

Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship,

for what we are worshipping we are becoming.

Writing about today's meditation made me remember a meditation from the first service Rae and I attended at Eliot Chapel this spring.  It was the poem "Connections Are Made Slowly" by Marge Piercy (also called "The Seven of Pentacles").  On a day when I was wide open to possibilities, wondering if somehow the religious might help me reconnect to the spiritual, it clearly was a sign of sorts.  It was the meditation - the sanctuary was quiet except for Reverend Daniel's voice, so quiet that all of the little noises of the congregants were amplified and yet not intrusive, somehow a part of the reading.  It had been ages since I could recall sitting quietly and just listening; and the words were pouring through me, not in one ear and out the other, not without force, not without leaving their mark; they were pouring through me and finding and filing spaces I had all but forgotten about.  It was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly that moment.  In the long silence that followed the meditation, my mind kept grabbing at words, and feelings evoked, at the strands of my inner being I had all but forgotten about.  It was the first step towards making (remaking) connections - and it felt good.

The meditation today at church was "The Peace of Autumn" by Rabindranath Tagore, a Bengali poet.  It really resonated with me, capturing what was a beautiful autumn day - sunny, crisp this morning, warmer throughout the day such that in the sun I didn't need a jacket; I could hear people working in their yards, kids playing, smell dried leaves burning in the afternoon and smell wood fires at night; with night air cool and heavy, holding in the sound of the distant train whistle such that it sounds like it's just down the road.

Sifting through a handful of recent Daily Dharma's from Tricycle I find this:

Just To Be

By Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are

We tend to be particularly unaware that we are thinking virtually all the time. The incessant stream of thoughts flowing through our minds leaves us very little respite for inner quiet. And we leave precious little room for ourselves anyway just to be, without having to run around doing things all the time. Our actions are all too frequently driven rather than undertaken in awareness, driven by those perfectly ordinary thoughts and impulses that run through the mind like a coursing river, if not a waterfall. We get caught up in the torrent and it winds up submerging our lives as it carries us to places we may not wish to go and may not even realize we are headed for.

Meditation means learning how to get out of this current, sit by its bank and listen to it, learn from it, and then use its energies to guide us rather than to tyrannize us. This process doesn't magically happen by itself. It takes energy. We call the effort to cultivate our ability to be in the present moment "practice" or "meditation practice."

--Jon Kabat-Zinn

Meditation.  Yes, I keep thinking about it.  Yes, I keep saying "I'm going to start meditating again".  No, I haven't started.  I'm not entirely sure why.  Lack of time is always an easy excuse, but really I find we have the time we make for ourselves (not always, but most of the time).  It's the same excuse I use when I haven't exercised (and I haven't the past three mornings).  It's just an excuse, it pisses me off when I use it, so I just need to start.  Just start.

You know, one thought that keeps popping into my head is that I'm afraid of doing it wrong.  Aparently my subconscious has this notion that there is a right way and a wrong way and that if I do it wrong I won't achieve what I want to achieve.  And that, too, is a problem - meditation isn't about achieving, not really.  It's not about an end state, but more of the journey.  At least it should be, especially since I'm at the very beginning of any practice.  So I just need to get this entire notion of wrong way and failing to achieve out of my head and just start.

I've read books on meditation before.  I'm reading one now (Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind).  I know what I'm doing, I know how to get started.  Anything more sophisticated than simply starting will come with time.  For now it's enough if I just start.  I don't need the zafu (which I didn't have time to make over the weekend), I don't need anything but a quiet space and time.  I've got that (at least after the kiddo goes to bed).  So the next time I think "I should meditate tonight", I will.  Maybe for just 10 minutes.  I'll just start.  I'll let you know.